You buy you buy you buy you buy you buy!!!!! As I type this, I’m hold right now with my least favorite web host of all time: Uno y Prime aka 1&1. Their control panel blows. Their quarterly-only payment system continues that tradition; AND I have spent too much time with billing, customer service, and technical support than a web savvy, hungry mofo like myself should have to do.
Now, I’m not brand loyal nor am I a fan of the hard sell nor the hidden fee. Still, people are conditioned to respond preemptively. Still, apparently I am people. Knowing this, I told myself to calm down before waiting on hold with Uno y Prime. The rep however did not make herself aware of her Pavlovian conditioning (or didn’t care) and proceeded to waste my f!!king time until she was taught a lesson in CSL (Comprehension as a Second Language). Upon that point, she recognized that her almighty company had screwed me over on the invoice and was forced to return my lunch money.
October was an odd month but with a lot of promise. They all have a lot of promise don’t they? However, I was getting bashed in the grille for a nice stretch of time and my reprieve was to be the web site review and portfolio review a week later. Both reviews were through APA. I’ve changed most of the branding last year to reflect my dry humor and acerbic humor.
The sample emailer was crafted to exhibit that to a panel include Matthew Jordan Smith, Tom Devine, and a big-wig Art Producer whose name I forget at the moment. I’ve met Tom and Matthew before so I made comments within stating that I challenge MJS for the Presidency of the Hair Club for Men. Tom, being an exceptionally even-keeled cat in all the times I’ve seen him, was challenged to a championship bout of thumb wrestling. APA L.A.’s site is down as I type this so let’s say I offered the Art Producer 15% off of pixie dust and moonbeams. As I had never met her before, I felt it safe to not be overly aggressive in the discount.
Good enough plan, bad execution. The art producer had that English accent/Simon Cowel kind of thing going on being playfully snappy and informative. Given my disdain for public speaking I was gearing myself up for a playful clash. First, my promo had never made it onto the projector. When she had come to me, my web site with all its known flaws and my weird ass pictures (relative to the 20 previously discussed ones) were out there naked with limited interactivity and little context. She asked me a question (“Why do you name your categories the way you do?”) and I responded in full, dead-pan jest, “Do you care?”
Ghost trigger. Lead balloon.
Children started screaming and mofos stopped, dropped and rolled looking for earthquake safety zones. Immediately, MJS jumped to the rescue. Now, I repeat: I’ve met MJS quite a few times but we don’t hang out drinking brews talking about cricket matches and practical teaching method of the pythagorean theorem to Andalusian toddlers. He needs to be reminded of my name so I’m not blaming him because as moderator he has to control the crowd so he goes on about not being overly sensitive about one’s work et al. Me, sensitive?! Man, do you know who you’re talking about? No. I could say he misunderstood my brand of comedy but the real thing is that I didn’t project it properly as I needed to adapt to the change of circumstances. That’s real.
While MJS’s warning of grace is going down I’m laughing to myself that anyone could think I was serious but that’s why I call it a ghost trigger. We all have done and observed things that can easily predispose us to various actions and reactions and it’s a constant threat especially if you’re somewhat on the fringes.
In a group setting, you’re more likely to get someone who gets butt hurt or defensive over every little thing so there’s a common denominator factor. That’s the responsibility of those engaging public aka ME. Whereas I would have laughed out loud even if I thought the person was serious, Matthew was as smooth as a moderator can be in laying down the law. When I first met him, I had commented about that to him in something else he had moderated. Anyhowaysit.
After the event, I -still dry as all hell- explained to the panelists that I wasn’t remotely serious. I don’t know if they believed me or not. It doesn’t really matter in any specific way aside from the heuristic reminder to continually think on your feet. I’m not always going to make the right call. And worst off, the emailer is totally useless to me as a viable joke as no one is ever going to see it. Well, maybe I’ll edit in a link later. I’ll come back to the portfolio review post next time.