The Destroyer

My rematch left me victorious. Excellent. However, I’m walking like an octogenarian in suspended animation now. The horror… The horror…

I watched the latest Conan The Barbarian movie a few times recently. It’s my son’s go to flick at the moment. I liked how they approached Conan’s character and Mamoa did a real good job making him brutal and ruthless. But the scale sabotaged the entire flick. I could get past Hellboy looking NOTHING like Drogo. That happens. But Starfish mask and his daughter with a fetish for Edward Scissorhands posed no sense of imminent danger for The Barbarian. I like Stephen Lang but his accredited 5’10” looks like NBA combine misinformation. His daughter makes one or 2 kills against frightened-unarmed virgin chicks and summons some sand dancers. That’s it. I’m supposed to forget about Thulsa Doom turning into a big honking snake? James Earl “Vader Voice” Jones?

John Milius’ movie Conan The Barbarian 1982 was epic in scale. Arnold boned a witch then threw her into the fire. He was crucified. He turned a big mill as a child with a group until he was such a mofo that he could push it by himself. He travelled vast desert scapes and watched his lady get clipped by a flying arrow snake by the crusher of dreams. 2011 Conan was on the vastness of sea and land and it still looked small. Too quaint. This movie should have been epic in scale. I like the flick on video. At least I didn’t get Hunger Gamed. But I don’t feel like I missed anything by not seeing it projected onto a 500 foot screen with Dolby 15.1 surround. Make your big ideas big. Make your big movie villains BIG. Leave your stooges and your Conan the Destroyers for someone else.

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